As we all know by now the Occupy Movement has been nothing if not a phenomenal failure. What did they accomplish? What even was their goal? Their message, while a good one, was lost in the media blitz and FOX news ass hatery. As the winter months set in the movement has lost steam due to a number of factors. While revolution is as good an excuse as any to hang out in public and camp in parking lots with your buddies. It is not something the Occupy Movement did either well, or safely. Let's discuss where they went wrong.
Several factors have contributed to the inability of the Occupy Movement to get it's message through.
1: The Media.
Sensing something they could blow completely out of proportion and milk like a pregnant Hilary Swank's breasts. The media as a whole latched onto the Occupy Movement like a teenage boy touching their first hooter. And much like said teenage boy they squeezed entirely too hard trying to make the story into something it wasn't.
2: The Movement
What was the message? Are you trying to protest Wall Street greed? Banks ability to manipulate the system? Wanting more regulation? Less regulation? Remind people of their connection to nature by camping out in parking lots and public parks?
3: Goggles
Hello. Cops have pepper spray. Duh.
4: Scarves and mittens.
Winter. Cold.
What R.I.S.E. could have taught the occupy movement about these points and in turn, help them be successful.
1: Don't talk to the Media. Unless it's a hot chick.
And only then to kidnap her. Let's face it, in order to forment a successful revolution against the government we're going to need troops. And we're going to have to breed some of these in the coming years. So we'll need hot women.. and men for our lady revolutionaries. So leave the Al Rokers and Connie Chungs but be sure to nab the Matt Laurers and Erin Andrews. So what if she works for ESPN. As for the rest of the media. They're just going to screw up you getting your message across so when they show up you simply batter them with a few well placed baseball bats shots and take their equipment to do your own broadcast. Remember to be safe when swinging bats around, wear a batter's helmet and gloves.
2: The Message
When trying to get something across the mass of flesh, corrupt ethics, and dead brain cells that is our government you've got to be very clear. Politically correct actions while protesting and trying to forment revolution is just silly. Cute signs just won't work in this case. A sign that reads 'Prison sex is less brutal than Bank Fees' or 'First National Stole my black cherry!' would be far more effective in getting across that the financial systems in this country are full on prison raping the public. Also remember that while protesting outside banks to sodomize any executives trying to enter or exit the building. But always remember to practice safe sodomization, use a broom or maybe that horse your brother has been giving the googly eyes to all week.
3: Cops
Now while I'm never one to speak out against our boys in blue, the finest protectors of the public since SS patrolled the streets of Berlin. I will say that they went a little above and beyond on this one. Just remember if you're going to be out trying to rebel against the status quo, be it dropping M80's into port-a-potties or having yourself a good old fashioned hippie park sit in, cops have pepper spray and a whole assortment of non-lethal weapons they can use these days to brutalize you and your pals. So remember to always have a pair of goggles, not sunglasses because they need to seal against your skin to keep the pepper spray out of your eyes. Remember to protest in the 'buddy system' in case you get tasered. That way your buddy can carry your twitching form back to the car. It is not recommended to try and fight the cops at a protest, that takes planning, weapons, and balls.
4: Adverse weather.
Seeing most of these camps that the Occupy Movement had set up it makes me fear for the day when the infrastructure of this country collapses and we're forced to rely on our own wit and survival skills. Actually, on second thought it makes me eager for that day to come... I'll be a God among losers that can't prepare a tent. People! Listen. If you're going to be living for an extended period of time in the elements of nature you're going to need a basic knowledge of weather patterns... such as in the winter it gets cold. Stop me if I sound out of line.
So there you have it. While I admire the Occupy Movement for their initiative next time they really need to do their home work before they go out and embarrass the rest of us revolutionaries. Oh well. Baby steps folks, baby steps. That's all for now.
The Risen
